I don’t often get reminded of this but when it comes right down to it I can hold a grudge! I mean really, like for years! almost 17 to be exact, and don’t get me wrong I’m in no way saying this as something to be proud of because I’m not, not even a little! I think it’s a terrible waste of time and energy on something that is so old and can’t possibly be changed but just a couple of weeks ago I was reminded of just how determined and stubborn I can be…
Most of the time and in most situations I really am not the type of person to go down that road. I know it’s not worth the effort and at the end of the day the only one really carrying that burden is me, so who exactly am I trying to punish anyway ….?!?! But in a couple of cases my instincts take over and all reason seems to go right out the window, what can I say I’m only human too I guess.
When my first baby was born I had made the decision to nurse, and as part of the services offered at the hospital the lactation nurse comes in and helps you to get started properly and get you off on the right foot as they say. Well as luck would have it when it was my turn to get the ‘helpful visit’ the nurse was just going on her break and so someone else came in to take over for the few minutes in between.
Now keep in mind that this is my first baby, I just gave birth and obviously hormones are going crazy and I’m about to be half-naked in front of a perfect stranger who is here to help me feed my precious new-born boy …. we had various complications and between his issues and mine we were on 48 hours after birth and the first time I got to be with him and hold him. So now that the stage is set ….
This very grumpy woman comes in, starts very abruptly pushing and ‘flicking’ my baby’s jaw at my breast and almost angrily telling me that it wasn’t right!!! I had terrible blood pressure issues and was honestly only half with it as it was …. she is very lucky that she didn’t get hit right than and there. To her benefit the lactation nurse came in just than and quickly changed places with this devil of a woman in order to help me. (Turns out of course that the baby was on fine and the nursing was proceeding as it should … she was just a real treat!)
Anyway long story short, after the feeding I had my BP checked and it was 210/160, the nurses were freaking out trying to figure out what the heck happened but as I settled everyone else did too. I never did say a word, I think I was just too out of it and in too much shock to be able to.
Well not long ago I saw that same darn nurse walking by my truck and if I had a guess I would say my BP was pretty darn close to the way it was that night. I could feel the anger rush through me and consume my every thought and all my energy. It was like a programmed response, all instinct driven, and yes still a huge waste of time and energy.
I know it’s not right and I know I should get past it but I can bet you now that the next time I see her my reaction will likely be the same. I have seen her a handful of times over the last 17 years and it has always been the same. I guess that’s one thing I do have to work on …