No not really, but it’s like that!
I long ago decided that people who were not good for me didn’t belong in my circle and I have methodically removed them all from my life. The ones who were questionable but so far not threatening were kept at arm’s length and checked on periodically, it allows me to keep track of my own ‘house’ while maintaining my optimistic outlook that you just never know and people can do anything if they really want to, people can be good.
Some of the issue right now however is that 1 these are family and not just people I have met over the years so there is certainly more history and more feeling of loyalty, I’m not saying it’s well founded but feelings don’t need to make sense to be real do they? And 2 is that the lies and deceit are so good at times (most times) that unless you wait around for it, nothing actually looks out-of-place! This is very difficult to explain at best but if you have ever watched the twilight zone …. well it’s like that! It took my own husband years to see and hear it for himself and understand what exactly I was trying to deal with. I don’t normally put myself in situations that I know are not good for me and like I said earlier I moved out when I was 16, and never went back.
The problem I’m having is that on the surface it appears that there is nothing amiss and truthfully no real reason I shouldn’t go back and check in and be a ‘good daughter’. The visit always starts out well enough, tension in the air for sure but okay …. then things seem to settle and most of my discomfort is from history and past experiences and not from what is going on in the here and now. Is that fair to them? I can’t remember a time that I didn’t need to be prepared for the worst and it didn’t happen in some form or another so I really can’t rationalize not being ready but that’s not really giving then the benefit of the doubt, is it? My brain wants to know if I’m turning it into a self-fulfilling prophesy or if I just happen to be right and smart for being prepared.
The 3rd issue at play and honestly the one that is actually playing on my mind the most is that the medical issues and conditions currently at play could mean that the ‘chips are down’ as they say and the next few decisions made will never be able to be undone. I know these people are not good for me, I know that they will some how cause me at the least discomfort and at the most, harm. The question is can they cause enough harm that I can not handle or can’t undo? Can I live with the idea of not at least trying? If I do try, if it goes wrong, will I once again be able to drop the armor I was forced to dawn because of it?
I’ve just gone off on a branch here, let me explain….. In the last few years I have finally been able to drop every last bit of protection and armor that I wear when out in the world when I am at home with my children and my husband. The rest of the world still doesn’t get to see me but they do get a much softer and open person than I thought I would ever be. I’m not saying I wasn’t or am not nice and generous and helpful, I just never let my emotions get involved. In a nut shell, I had none and now I do. I have allowed myself to feel …. will going back and putting myself in that position take that away?
The only real way to know is to try, but at what risk? Without sounding high and mighty if that is possible, because that is certainly not what I mean here, but …. I have long been of the opinion that most people don’t try hard enough and long enough and just because those others around me are saying I have done my best and it’s okay to stop doesn’t always mean that I really have. Not MY best anyway …
But then we go back to the miracle pill, the ad looks good, they seem to have testimonials and it all looks on the up and up until you try it for a while and then realize that you are having horrible headaches, you can’t sleep, your blood pressure has gone through the roof and you now have a heart condition! Maybe you should have gone with your first instinct and stayed away ….
I think in the next little while I will write stories as I remember them, and hopefully the facts there in will help me to finally decide how much I should invest, or how much I can afford to invest. I know I am strong, if I can write them and not be knocked off-balance than maybe I can take it ….