What did I get from being close to them someone asked. Well I think I’ll call them side effects, I suppose some could be good also, but let’s see!
When I was 26 I was pregnant with my first child, I had him when I was 27, he was planned, we wanted children and were very much looking forward to being parents. I always wanted a boy and made sure I had one. It’s really not difficult to plan if you know your body well and understand the works!
Anyway, it was all good and wanted and planned so you can imagine my distress when I found out that I was unable to say “I love you’ to my new-born son. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It took over 6 months for me to whisper it to him when making sure no one else was even in the house and that wasn’t more than a handful of times.
Over the next couple of years I was able to finally begin to say it out loud but it always felt like my heart hitting the floor and something awful was going to get me, I don’t know what or how but I just felt very strange and uncomfortable. I guess the closest thing I could compare to would be a panic attack.
To this day I’m not certain if I have ever heard my mother say those words to me, my father did start using those words some years back but they still make me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin to hear them from him.
I say them now to my children and my husband all the time, loud and proud no matter where or who is around but it took a lot of soul-searching and self acceptance to be able to do it and I KNOW my boys had nothing to do with the reason behind not being able to.
Just one of the many side effects of the miracle pill, I couldn’t say I love you to my own child for years ….