Proceeding with caution

So I sent a text a few days ago to the parental unit to check in and see how things are going. Nothing to crazy, all very cordial and nice. The text I got back was pretty much the same, ….

Nothing really ever gets talked about until it becomes a ‘thing’ until then it’s all very superficial and nice seeming, and short! So be it …

Although nothing is going on and nothing has happened, my days are full with fun times and care free vacationing yet at bed time my sleep is terrible. I spent the night re-living old times and dreaming about ‘writing’ posts about old stories and their effect current day. That’s just where my brain went like it or not.

My back and hip are acting up probably due to Christmas junk food and the weather which makes sleep painful and hard to come by but that doesn’t explain the stories on my mind does it?

I’m not saying my stories are anywhere near as horrific as Auschwitz but what I’m saying is that the same effect seems to be at play. As a survivor, if you go back now, even though there is nothing going on and no one there to try – your mind and body still have the memory and still react to the history and trauma you remember.

Last night’s story was based around the time my father got angry (about what I don’t even know because I never did anything, ever) and we were working together at the family pool hall. I was about 19 or 20, was trying to work my way through school and like I said, I kept going back trying to salvage some sort of relationship – anyway ….. ! I was an employee, not very well paid, but hired ..

All I remember was that he got angry, lifted a metal chair over his head and threatened to hit me with it. I honestly don’t know why he was angry but I do remember something in me snapping. I was behind the counter and he in front, although I had no real idea what was going to happen I just walked out from behind the counter, stood right in front of him and basically told him that if he was going to do it he better do it right because he would never see me again!

I stared him right in the eye and when he hesitated I told him I was done for the night and I was leaving, good luck! I’m 5 foot nothing basically and at the time probably lucky to hit $1 buck! He’s much bigger than me but it just didn’t matter any more, I was done being abused. There have been many other stories and issues since then but I do believe that was the last time I was ever threatened physically. I guess he saw the fire in my eyes that night.

Image result for female warriorThis fiery spirit keeps me safe, but it also keeps me alone. You can not protect the perimeter and allow someone in at the same time.

I wore that armor for the next 20 years, eventually was able to take it off piece by piece, is this playing on my mind because I know going back will force me to dawn it once more? Is it simply a precautionary tale telling me to bring back up and proceed with caution?

Maybe if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, …. well it’s just a darn duck!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t think so much! LOL

Cheers!

~n

 

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