Rambling

Been listening to music again today, I do that, in case you hadn’t noticed. *giggle* There are many things I can get out in music and dance that I can’t seem to get out elsewhere, it’s the artist in me I suppose – I use that loosely, artist …. I haven’t done anything of value there in, in many years, but still ….

I used to play, I used to sketch, I used to paint …. I used to do a lot of things before I became responsible for more than just myself. Now a days I just look and listen. When I bought this house that we are in, with the gardens and the rooms, the two things I wanted, well three I guess, were a library, a wood burning fireplace, and a picture window out into the yard to act as inspiration for music, art and writing.

And a formal dining room, so four, four things I guess!

I guess you could say I write, if you count this emptying of my brain cells onto these megabytes! *chuckle*

Anyway, back to the music … I found this song that I feel says a lot of what I would like to say to the next family member or person that looks at me for answers to an unsolvable problem!

This is where you might want to log out! …. Go ahead, I’ll wait, you don’t want to hear this anyway it sounds like whining. It’s just me putting things down for safe keeping actually. With all the mental health issues in my family and things that I have seen happen that already made me think I was making it up even though I had full mental capacity, I can only imagine what will happen if and when I don’t.

I started this site as a record of sorts, as well as a way of decompressing. A record of what and how things happened in my own words so that when my mental faculties gave up I would be able to hopefully recognize my own style and view and know what was what, because honestly I simply don’t trust the rest of them

I haven’t let my kids in on all the crazy that is my family exactly, nothing more than what they need to know to keep them safe although they are both very smart and astute. I’m guessing they know much more than I have let out of the bag already.

Planning ahead for older, weaker, slower friend, told yah! 😉 Even if this is more morbid than what you might have intended. Think like “The Notebook” I’m hoping my words here will spark recognition and understanding should it become necessary for some Bear to explain why ….

Anyway, back to the song, again …

This is what I wish I could have had to say to them, all of them who did and sometimes still do come to me looking for answers to problems that just simply can’t be solved!

The one that I have the hardest time with and would like to address was when they came to me saying that I had to ‘fix’ my brothers schizophrenia. “You have to do something, you have to take care of it.” they said …. ummm, right!

when I was 4 they told me I had to make my brother stop crying

when I was 9 they told me about their financial issues and sexual dysfunction

when I was 10 they told me they were getting divorced and I had to pick sides

by 10 1/2 I was awful for picking sides, since they got back together

by 13 they told me I could have a horse, that I never got to see and was eventually sold

by 16 they wanted to buy me a sports car, I moved out … didn’t see them for 2 years

at 18 when I tried again they thought it was funny to have my father tell me he had a mistress but don’t tell mom …. after almost ‘cutting’ again I decided I had to tell her – she told me it was a joke, she knew about it all along

I left again, for good this time, but they keep coming to me …

in my mid twenties they decided I should fix the mental health issues of my brothers, although they would speak and fight against me

by my thirties they tried turning my brothers against me … one I no longer speak to

one day in my thirties after borrowing a few thousand dollars from me (not that I care about money but just to add perspective) I was injured so badly that I was literally on the floor. I had a house full of toddlers I could no longer care for, obviously and I called my mother for help.   she told me she couldn’t come, she was waiting for the carpet installers, the carpet that I had just paid for. I asked her wasn’t dad there? she said yes, but she wanted to stay anyway, and she didn’t want to tell him about it he would be mad!

I had to call my grandmother to come and help …. a few weeks later when I could do nothing more than work (barely) and lay out on the floor for support all night to try to make it through the next day she called saying your dad wants to know why you are not visiting, what’s going on …

I told her if I called he would ask, I don’t lie, shall I tell him I am laid out on the floor and can’t walk enough to make it over? He will say why didn’t you say something and I will say, well I called ….LMAO

She actually said, yeah, you’re right! If you ask her now however, that never happened.

These are the highlights, the ones that for some reason haunt me in the wee hours when my sleep is robbed from me, there are more, most more cruel than these, but these are the ones keeping me awake right now.

Yesterday I had another example of one more person who really doesn’t want to know the answers that I had to cut loose.

I’m only human ….. you need to look higher, don’t put your blame on me.

Caution if you choose to look up the artist, he is very good, but most things so far are very dark …

Cheers!

`n

 

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