Midnight Madness

Got a surprise attack last night, and old old trigger! Really never thought it would come back around, I won’t bother describing why but all of a sudden at 3 am I’m dealing with ‘daddy issues’!

Seriously! I’ve been over this part of my life for so many years that most things were practically forgotten, well not forgotten but well pushed away ….! Fortunately or unfortunately I have a very good memory, depends on what you’re remembering I suppose. *chuckle* This time it was in a ‘project’ of mine ….

I was tempted to get up at 3 am and start writing in hopes of getting back to bed sooner but I knew Hubby hasn’t slept well last few nights either and I didn’t want to wake Him. He would worry and likely not sleep at all well. He needs to work today, I have a surprise day off and I’m now off til Monday, I could afford a bit less sleep, I can catch up later … and he doesn’t need to worry at work either. 😀

I did get a revaluation though, I think I have remembered/realized the moment I went from girl to warrior …

Despite all the ridiculousness that was my childhood, all the volatile angry out bursts and commotion I still had this fantasy that my father was ‘there’ for me. When I was about 2 I started playing with his hair in the car on drives, I would twirl my finger around and around for the entire length of the ride. Honestly I think the adults in my life used to use me to sooth the savage beast …

One day for reasons I really can’t explain, after a lot of the regular craziness and I imagine some issue, he actually sat me down and more or less said that my mother and grandmother were the ones responsible for me, that since I was a girl it was their job to raise and take care of me. What ever was going wrong was simply not his fault, because I was not his problem …..   *chuckle* gee thanks dad!

I don’t actually call him that, dad, I have called him by his given name since then.

I was in my preteens – fantasy shattered, no way to ignore that – little girl died and the warrior was born. I couldn’t just grow up and be adult, it was obvious they were no where strong enough to deal.

He also killed my budgie, big manly man wouldn’t listen when I asked him to leave it alone. The bird was mine and regularly came to me but was scared of him so when he tried to grab it it bit him of course. Big dominant man that he was smashed it to the ground and killed it. I wasn’t allowed to go out, I wasn’t allowed to have friends, I wasn’t allowed anything, that bird was my only friend …. not sure why but this image was on my mind all night too, maybe it will be gone now!

I wonder of Hubby will indulge me in a bird, I haven’t owned one since. I think it would do beautifully in the library …. 😀

For the record, I don’t believe a parent ever has the right to ‘check out’ on their kids, no matter the reason. I have two boys, I’m every bit as responsible for them as is my husband.

I think that’s all, I’m off now to enjoy a cup of coffee in the yard with the girls (dogs) and listen to the birds and watch the squirrels play. I have a surprise free day and a park for a back yard, what could be better? *giggle*

Cheers!

~n

 

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