Just another day in paradise

Went off this morning to find out if I have a heart! *chuckle* I don’t have a Grinch t-shirt so I wore my grouch instead! 😛 If I ever go for a brain scan I’ll be sure to wear one of my minion tees! *giggle*

We’ll figure out some things once the tests get back to my doctor I guess, the one I was with really didn’t say much and kept working on my scans as he asked me to show myself out. He walked everyone else out while I was in the waiting room, not sure what that means… it’s a surprise! 😉

I had been sleeping a bit better these last few days, still am I guess. These BP pills have a drowsiness side effect, maybe they are helping. The last couple of days I have been still getting up early/or perhaps I should say early again but at least it’s not 2 am! I’m feeling much better and clear in the brain, I can’t complain about that.

My youngest has been on my mind a lot lately, since the party (I talked with my aunt for a bit, her son also has serious issues) and since my personal doctor’s appointment when we touched on a lot of things including the boys.

At the party, the one that was meant for my in-laws 50th anniversary, my mother in law actually had to excuse herself and left to go home within a couple of hours of the start! Yeah, so, ummm, I’m thinking perhaps the anxiety issues are really not all from my crazy side of the gene pool! She was a real mess, poor woman.

It is all that much more interesting that she can’t seem to understand my boy’s need for space and time but I think perhaps that is simply old school thinking and lack of understanding of her own issues!

On top of the labels and words that have been thrown around in my own issues we have also dealt with many in regards to the boys. Now I admit my brain has not been clear at all, not for some time …. too much time, work, stress and lack of sleep have made focus difficult. Add to that the fact that my preferred ways of decompressing have been hard to come by and I have been wound tighter than tight! So when these words came out over the past few months my focus might have been on what I feared most as opposed to the facts at hand – I’ll preface with that!

So words like autistic, panic disorder, anxiety and the like have been mentioned but the scariest sh*t was schizophrenia and paranoia! Yikes! This is something that I have feared since I found out about my brother, this is exactly the guilt I carry around everyday for being selfish enough to want children, this is the guilt that makes me wonder what awful mistakes have I made along the way to make this worse! And this became my focus, our focus really, I think we started making past comments and actions of his fit ‘paranoia’.

With a more rested and clearer mind in general the Bear and I have sat down and gone over the times and words more logically and without prejudice and have concluded that the paranoia was in our heads, not his! lol how’s that for irony?!?!? 😛 (I need humour, I know it’s not funny but it helps me cope.)

So what we have found however is that there are many similarities and that the real culprit for setting us into this tail spin and creating this regression is that wonderful, lovely french teacher of a woman. See major traumatic events in the life of a person with W’s (we’ll call him that from now on) issues are the things that cause the disease(?!?) to progress.

This is where the bunny turns into the warrior. Just for a reference, if you were to ever ask me what character I would identify best with when speaking of life in general I would say something like John Wick, or The Wolverine. It’s a damn good thing I have not lost my true love because my world would become very dark, very quickly. As it is now I let the Bear guide the way, He keeps me grounded and frankly out of trouble. Anyway …. enough on this branch.

As we stand now we go in tomorrow to speak to the VP once again on W’s behalf. We are looking into a school IEP (Individual Education Plan) to make in class attendance a non-requirement and look at ways that W can continue to learn and work towards graduation in a manner that best suits him. Not sure exactly how that will work out but it’s a start, he has not attended any school this year. It started on the 5th.

On a different (sort of) note, the Bear sat down with me a few days ago and He felt He needed to talk to me about W and what He felt/He saw was going on. He said that when He talks to W about getting to school or getting something done He has a sense that W is telling Him no but that he is beating himself up over it, in other words, W is NOT doing it to be lazy or difficult, he is NOT doing it on purpose and he really would like to say yes, yes I can! When W says no, he doesn’t want to say no but he really truly just CAN’T bring himself to do what is being asked.

I swear I just about fell to my knees right then and there! After so many things and so much regression and so many voices and days you start to wonder if you are just being ‘that’ mom, if you are just doing your child a disservice by allowing them to ‘get away with it’ or if it’s really truly an issue like you thought! Like your gut is telling you.

Let’s face it between my growing up and the people in my circle and now both boys dealing with giftedness and mental health issues as well as my own – I really have no idea what this ‘normal’ thing is! This IS my normal ….

The reassurance was welcome, even for this fire cracker! 😉 *giggle*

So, we have gone so far back with W that at this time our plan is to get some online only studies going on and once a week we will all go out to eat. Me not working is not a good time for weekly outings but oh well, priorities!

Why not pick something else you say? like an outing or just a walk, because he won’t go. He has not left the house ….. eating is a necessity so it’s a good place to start.

There is one time however that all his anxiety leaves and he jumps to the task with no hesitation, when it is to benefit someone else! In an emergency and regardless of the unknown, W will be the first to put his shoes on and be ready to head out the door to do what needs doing, no questions asked and no concern for anxiety or otherwise. He is strong, he is in charge and he is focused. Yep, he’s my kid alright! Takes care of everyone else but himself. I’ll have to find a way to work with that too.

That’s probably enough rambling for today. 😀




3 thoughts on “Just another day in paradise

    1. Yes I know, and Yes I agree, part of what I was getting at though is if it looks and feels normal to me, sometimes I don’t realize I should be getting help with it.

      My oldest probably suffered for close to a year before we looked for help and even then it was only because he asked. Life was h3ll on wheels and every day was a struggle but I was so used to it that it never occurred to me that it was an issue and should be looked into.

      Knowing a little more about what ‘normal’ might look like would have made the issue clearer to me sooner, as it does this second go round.


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