My babies are growing up, but are they?

This roller coaster ride has been quite intense lately. The youngest has finally started doing the work that I thought he was doing but turned out he hadn’t. When he finally got onto the online course he hit a ‘snag’ pretty quickly. He didn’t think to ask for help or speak up that he was overwhelmed with it, he just kept logging in, reading, being overwhelmed and logging off. Oh Boy!

I admit when I finally had a second and understood what was going on I did take a few minutes to look and I can understand why it seemed so daunting and like mission impossible to someone who had never done this before. So slowly we are working on it now but of course we’re having trouble with getting things submitted, the program is glitchy and doesn’t seem to want to register the work as received. *chuckle* Never a dull moment I tell yah!

The oldest has also been showing some awful signs of stress and some major outbursts have followed. He’s been running away from his responsibilities lately and choosing to hang out with friends. Being out is great and something we promote with the boys because they do both suffer from anxiety, and likely depression, and would usually prefer to get lost in their own heads and rooms than do anything else. When the school work suffers however we need to step in and ‘ground’ him until he gets caught up.

Well, that DID NOT go well for me. You see my son is very close to me and relies on me to be his rock, when things are bad and he needs help he comes to me, when he is happy and has something to share he comes to me, when he wants to speak philosophically and wants to think out loud he comes to me ….. and when he wants to let his demons fly and break at the seams he also comes to me!

 Yeah, imagine what that roar would sound like in your face, that was part of my weekend! I’ll mention that he is also likes to sing and sounds pretty deep and close to a Barry White, just to give you an idea of what the thundering out of his mouth sounds like. Pretty sure the neighbours 4 doors down would have heard him too that night. *sigh*

Normally I would have just left him alone to calm down, there really is no point in speaking to someone in that state but it sounded like he was tearing things apart so I went up to check. He was just barricading his door so that he could be left alone ….. by morning the storm had passed and down he came for a cup of coffee and some jokes. Good thing mama has tough skin I tell you.

Unfortunately though, in all of this the youngest seems to be disconnecting somewhat again. Disconnecting from his school work which of course is his biggest stressor right now. He doesn’t often leave his room but he was down here with us that night, for comfort I assume and to be able to decompress a bit himself from what’s going on.

You see the youngest is pretty in tune with what goes on around him and has been sensing his brother’s stress build up over the past week and a half. He has noticed ours as well I’m sure, he has always been sensitive to that type of thing from everyone he meets no matter where we go. It wears on him, it’s a heavy burden to carry and I know it’s a large part of his panic disorder and stress. He has been like this since he could talk. He takes on the problems of those around him, he wants to fix it for everyone …..

Unlike his brother W does not blow up and let it all out, he internalizes. He worries me most! He does and feels things just like I used to do and I know where that got me. *deep breath* This is another reason I’m not pushing this school thing too much. I’d rather help him with this first, so what if he graduates at 19 instead of 18, is it really going to change his world much? If he starts hurting himself to deal with it however ….. THAT will change his world forever, there is no going back from that and if he finds it as soothing as I did he might not ever return. Being lost in oblivion is a huge temptation ….

That said, I’m not pushing A either, I’m starting to fear that his is turning to drugs to cope with his stress …. not a good idea either. If he needs an extra year to graduate so be it …. drinking and drugs isn’t any better than self harm. The doctor has already informed me that his biggest issue is that he is scared out of his mind, I don’t believe he needs any additional stress now either.

Priorities, the health and well-being of my children is my first priority. The world now is so full of stress as it is, why push them so hard that they end up just as stressed and just as messed up as everyone else? A couple of years of slow down now might just put them well ahead of the crowd in real life, for they will be happy. Now THAT IS SOMETHING to push for! *wink*

Coffee time! Looks like another rainy day but I’m going to put a fire on and maybe do some baking. The house always smells so nice and I bet the Bear will enjoy walking into that after work! *grin*

Cheers!

~n

 

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