This never ending ride, it’s making me feel uncertain!

Some days I wish I wasn’t the one, the only one who had to see and deal with the things going on around here. Most of the ‘issues’ happen when I’m here alone with the boys, I’m the one who sees and hears the way they act and react to things, I’m the one who puts the pieces together and I’m the one who inevitably makes the choices of how to proceed, and sometimes I get to feeling a bit confused, lost as to which way to steer the ship ….

The boys are still young and despite their intelligence, or perhaps because of, they are still quite immature in ways of communicating. Let’s face it, most adults I know really have no idea of how to communicate effectively. I suppose being locked into whatever their brains and emotions are doing makes it hard for them to know what exactly it is that is getting at them as well. Basically, one big confusing whirl of thoughts and emotions going on and on ….

So how am I to know what and how to deal with the issues when they don’t recognize or verbalize what those issues are. Makes it hard to know which way to go doesn’t it?

Most days I’m torn between doing mental health triage and trying to figure out and calm the demons and doing the mom things and putting my foot down because they are just being teenagers trying to do what teenagers do! How exactly do you know the difference?

I’ve pushed too hard in the past and found out only after a huge explosion that it was the wrong way to go. I have also been relaxed about things before just to find out it was in fact lazy teen attitude leading that adventure.

It does not escape me that every move I make has a huge impact on their lives now and possibly in their future. That is a huge undertaking in the best of times but when dealing with mental health issues one wrong step could become traumatic and catastrophic for their future.

Being locked in this world for a few hectic years now makes it so I feel like I’m losing track of what is ‘normal’ and what is not. Losing track of where they need someone advocating and where they need a stern hand.

I know what they need to do, but since I can’t read their minds I can’t really figure out how to do it. 

Something has been eating at the oldest lately, I don’t know what it is. My guess is that it has something to do with graduation. He is doing everything in his power to sabotage that. He’s been mellow about all the ways I am trying to get him to school, trying to get him to do his work. Almost lethargic in his reactions …… my guess is that he is going into depression.

Not going to school and not doing his work has gotten him ‘grounded’ but is that the best thing to do for someone with depression? Lock him away for his friends and socializing?  See the problem, what’s the right answer?

The youngest still seems to be bouncing back, he is helping around the house when I ask him but the school work has gone out the window! In that he has certainly pulled the lazy card. Do I focus on getting him up and about and being ‘with’ us, part of life in general and not worry so much about schooling? Or do I push for the school work and risk it backfiring? It is only one semester and if I play my cards right he will be in school and back on track for next semester. See the problem, what’s the right answer here?

So yes, without the knowledge of what’s in their heads I’m simply playing a guessing game and hoping for the best. In the mean time I cross my fingers that I don’t mess them up too badly in the process.

Coffee ……




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