Christmas time is always interesting for me, like most people I suppose, but it seems to bring back memories/ideas that really do just simmer quietly in the back ground for the rest of the year.
The Christmas/winter songs being one reason. When I first had kids one of the things that I did was read to them when I tucked them into bed. As they got older the Bear started reading to one while I read to the other because the stories were now turning to novels and the length of time reading increased of course! Once the reading was said and done came time for the songs …
When they were little and I was just figuring everything out was when I realized that I knew absolutely no children’s songs or lullabies. None, I had never had that type of relationship growing up, reading stories and singing songs was a very foreign idea! So what to do??
Well, some of my favourite songs that weren’t top 40 love songs or anything of that nature were winter songs and of course they all come around at Christmas time! The other is ‘favourite things’ from the sound of music and that is a staple at Christmas time too isn’t it? *chuckle*
So when they were sick or just needing some extra loving at bed time the songs I picked were normally winter wonderland and favourite things, I’m sure the boys can still sing them both to you if you asked. 😉
None of this is exactly a big deal but it does set my mind back to remembering just how it was I grew up and with that come all the other memories of things and issues over the years. One thought leads to another and before you know it its snowballing out of control in my mind. The avalanche is imminent!
Some years back I switched from making Christmas, baking and decorating a big thing to not wanting any part of it what so ever. I think peri menopause had a lot to do with it, it had a lot to do with many changes I have made over the last 5 or 6 years. I got to the point that I really didn’t care about much really. Nothing that used to be important was anymore and my patience level (or perhaps I should say the level of putting myself last) was very quickly disappearing.
It became very apparent that I was running around trying to please and be pleasing but not much gratitude or attention was coming back my way. It was clear that everyone was quite comfy in their roles and I was running on empty. True to form I was simply emotionally checking out …. until I didn’t, but that’s another site entirely! *wink*
I had managed to pull myself out of the darkness and stay out for more than 15 years and all of a sudden I was finding myself being drawn back in. The warrior in me was not about to let that happen without one hell of a fight, and fight I did. Things have turned around and I can honestly say that my life is quite happy and fulfilled now, even with all the stress of the everyday, but the one thing I really no longer care for is the big production at Christmas time.
I think once upon a time I needed things like that to show myself that I was no longer where I came from, that I could do better. I think now that I have gone through some of the MenoBeast and the changes it brought (namely losing the guilt of standing up for me) I simply no longer need things outside of myself to feel complete and content.
The underlying resentment for what I didn’t have is gone, the feeling of having to martyr myself for mine in order to make sure they have it all is gone, and the feeling that I have to be content making due in order to make sure the Bear is happy is gone too!
All of these things were so deep and buried that I didn’t even realize I carried them with me anymore. The emotional roller coaster of the chemical changes in me brought them all up loud and eventually clear.
Side note: The Bear is much happier this way too, knowing what I need from Him let’s Him step up and take control of helping. It’s like someone breathed new life into Him, He walks straighter and much more confident than I had seen in years. He walks with purpose, I get true contentment and peace! Certainly a win, win here.
So this year I’m decorating for winter with none of the craziness of Christmas. It seems the Bear no longer needs the big production either, go figure! *wink*
Looking back on the past to stay mindful of the important things is good but for only a short while. I have no intention of letting it rob me of today! Today is pretty darn good, I plan on savoring every moment. *wink*