One step forward, two steps ….

… on your face!

I’m quite certain my oldest, ‘A’ is on drugs. He’s not even trying to hide it now, he does it in his room in the middle of the day.

It used to be when he went out with friends, not that I saw but I’m not stupid. After that it was in the middle of the night when the Bear and I were to bed. We could smell the trail that followed him back to his room of course even if he did deny it, again, we’re not stupid.  Now he just does it in his room, puts some clothes at his door to stop the smell and that’s that! At least when he was with friends he was out of the house.

I should probably back track my thoughts just a bit, maybe a bit more of a point form version but here it is:

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, for myself, I needed a refill. This is the same doctor that sees my son(s), he is our family doctor so he knows the story all the way around.

My script is for BP but I am also having many other issues to deal with right now. They are physical issues but he (doctor) is concerned/thinking that some of it may be perpetuated due to the level of stress I am under. Fair enough, I’m sure it’s not helping but I know it started before all the sh*t hit the fan, he doesn’t because I wait years (literally) before seeing him.

So part of my appointment is asking/talking about stress and part is asking about the boys because , well he is their doctor and he is concerned.

I started to explain to him how things are going, the oldest is now at home as well. He got into some trouble for posting some dark humour that was not understood (no surprise there). After that it became known to me that his teacher(s) have been bullying him at school. This part of the story didn’t get spoken until after he was already flunking his courses and he acted out by posting the ‘thing’.

The reason for his post and the reason it wasn’t well received is exceptionally ironic! I’m sure I’ll laugh about it some day. Well I am laughing, it’s just wryly at the moment. Wonder where the poor kid gets it from! UGH

Anyhow, between his previous mental and anxiety issues, his intelligence level and this abuse he has been dealing with I was pretty certain my son has fallen into a deeper depression. The doctor seems to agree, so much so that he wants to change his medication and see him.

Kids/people use drugs like pot and alcohol to self medicate against depression. That is exactly what he is doing. The reason why getting out of the house to get the drugs was better is because at least he was still okay enough to get out of the house. Not even bothering to leave the house to do it only means that the problem is more severe.

When I was his age trying to figure out how to fit into this world I used smoking cigarettes and cutting and burning to cope. I was also very anorexic, that was a way of retaining control in a world I had none in but that was due to my family I think and not so much my brain.

Is he better off this way? Would he be better off my way? I used to really worry about schizophrenia because it runs in my family and perhaps having it set off by the drugs (that’s what happened to my brother) but now I don’t believe that to be as big a threat as it once was. Mainly because he’s already experimenting and because we are most certainly dealing with mental health issues but they do not fit the patterns for schizophrenia. Lesser of two evils? Not sure which is which …

The hope/plan is that with new medication he will get relief without having to use the street drugs. He has always been against drugs, big time …. until now. Hopefully if we get to it in time he will be able to be off the street drugs sooner rather than later. Handle the depression, handle the need …..

So yes, the youngest did make it out to his movie with friends! Things seem to be looking up although we won’t know if he makes it back to school until February for the new semester, until then we tread water. At this rate I’m going to have to be a bit more warrior than usual when it comes to talking to the boys and frankly I’m going to tell them point-blank – If someone messes with you, teachers included, let me know asap, because your mamma believes you babe and I will be right there kicking some ass if needed. I hope they take that to heart and tell me.

I used to take it all with a grain of salt, giving the teachers the benefit of the doubt but I’m afraid these ones have proven that to be a mistake.

I heard from a friend whose daughter is the same age as my youngest and in the same school as my boys that one of the teachers actually poked fun at her, in the front of the class for stuttering. Yeah ….. they did eventually apologize but just like my oldest it was done in private.

The damage is done ….. and why is this okay? Why has this teacher not yet been reprimanded? Why has an apology not been made in front of the class to now let them know that making fun of a speech impediment is NOT OKAY!

So yes, I’m being blunt with my kids and I’m telling them that if they need me I will go in on their side, no more second guessing …. I have two kids who were bullied this year, I know a friend whose daughter has been bullied, and I have another friend who’s daughter was bullied last year. No more benefits, no more doubts …. I’m kicking some ass! I’ll ask for forgiveness later ….

I’m not entirely sure, I don’t know where this post ended up …. but my head is clearer.




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