A chipmunk?

To say that i’m always in a good mood and wearing a smile is not an overstatement. That’s not to say that things are all sunshine and roses, no, that is not what i’m saying. I’m saying that regardless of what’s going on around me i choose to stay positive and happy. There is a certain energy that i tap into and i like to maintain that while dealing with whatever comes my way.

Last night however i was not happy. I don’t know why, there was nothing out of the ordinary playing on my mind, not really. I just couldn’t seem to brighten. Maybe that’s the best description, bright …. a light that keeps shining from within. I couldn’t find that last night, i didn’t like that.

The Bear noticed i’m certain, He was hovering …. *chuckle* It’s not something He’s used to ‘feeling’ from me.

I didn’t do too much about it, i didn’t really have the energy. We sat and vegged on the couch with a bit of TV and then bed. Neither of us is feeling very good so i’m sure that didn’t help either.

Today is a better day …. my energy is draining but i’m determined not to let that happen again, for both our sakes. I know His energy plays off of mine as well.

***** *****

My raynaud’s seems to be in full force, for a few weeks now. Once the temperature started to change, the ‘change’ started happening. The colour changes are daily as well as the ‘white’ that happens when you are on the verge of frostbite. After some time they will start to go back the other way and become very warm (by my standards anyway) and swollen. That calms after some time and then this …..

I am noticing little ‘ulcers’ on my fingers already. OYE! This is not unusual but i am seeing them in spots that they never happened before, on my other hand. If this is any indication of what i’m in for i’m not looking forward to it.

Last year my right hand swelled up like a balloon, it was very literally twice the size it should be, maybe more. Needless to say i couldn’t move it well or do much of anything really. That is not counting the ulcers as well and the skin, it gets so dry it aches, constantly.  It almost feels as though it’s tearing with every motion.

Next time you hear about raynaud’s, remember, it can be more than just a bit ‘cold’. It can be torture, and it’s getting progressively worse for me. If the signs i’m seeing are any indication i will have both hands immobile.

Let’s not forget the connective tissue disorder and fibro, you know because i haven’t enough other stuff on my plate. *chuckle* Speaking of which, i almost dropped my dinner plate going to the table last night, my wrists are getting pretty sore as well as my elbows. I am constantly dropping things because of the pain and that was BEFORE my hands become unusable.

Good times ahead, i can see that. *shrug* what the hell, i’ve always enjoyed a good battle.

So why chipmunk?  I’m feeling the urge to cook and bake and get things made ahead and stored for the winter!! *laughing at myself here* I’m dreading the idea of cooking this winter and that is not like me. I have the urge to fill freezers full of goods to take out as we need ….. silly isn’t it? I can’t possibly store enough food to make it through until next May! 😛 It would be freezer burnt by then anyway!

I love to cook and i cook from scratch usually. I take pride in making healthy and tasty dinners nightly. Bear takes care of a lot of things for our family and one of the things i do is keep them fed and healthy. Bear does not cook …… *giggle*

***** *****

My in-laws moved this year, they down sized drastically, so much so that the family can’t really fit all at once in their new house. Normally they have Christmas Eve dinner, games and gifts for the kids. That’s simply not possible this year ….

No one else is speaking up, not yet anyway. For thanksgiving no one said a word so i had the in-laws here for dinner. The rest of the family ended up doing nothing, not on ‘this’ side anyway. Up until this point we have always taken turns and had all ‘occasions’ covered, things change i suppose.

It feels odd and i know it’s wearing on my mother in-law.  Between the move, having to purge most of her things and now this, she’s feeling stressed, anxious and i think bordering on depression.

When i’m with her i will often help guide her through her thoughts so that she can accomplish whatever it is she is trying to do. I know she always feels just a bit better having an accomplishment under her belt, don’t we all?

I know the Bear sees and appreciates it too and i think my father in-law might be getting wise to it too! *wink* He doesn’t often ask for anything but i have noticed him stepping back and letting me ‘handle’ certain things.

I wanted to try to figure something out for Christmas but i’m not sure i can, realistically. Not like this.

***** *****

I don’t have time for fibro, to be aching and sore in my entire body and a bit disconnected from time to time ….

I don’t have time for CTD, having my joints give out on me from anything from holding my plate to knees giving out walking up the stairs.

I don’t have time for raynaud’s, swelling my hands and feet, giving me ulcers on both and leaving me practically immobile, certainly not without extreme pain when doing so at least.

And I don’t have time to be catching virus after virus leaving me fevered, exhausted and unable to breathe without pain. Three months and counting without one moment of respite so far ….

***** *****

I don’t have time to be down and out, i have too many counting on me and too much to do. I enjoy my workouts, they keep me mobile and feeling strong. I don’t know how much longer i’m going to be able to do them. I can’t hold my weights!

My body is letting me down and i’m getting angry. I’m angry because when something is not working i take steps to ‘fix’ it. Right now i’m not sure if there are any steps to take ….

***** *****

*Big SIGH* Okay, i feel better now!

Cheers!

~n

 

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