I don’t know if the name of this site is a dead give away or if most of you are only guessing or ignoring it all together! LoL I always pick my words carefully and most often they mean more than just ‘a word’ that fits.
I chose to name the site nijntje’s Babadook because nijntje means something to me about the stage of life i find myself in. I chose the Babadook because it is a word to explain the underlying ideas from the journey that brought me here.
When I was younger i thought that to be over my past and be able to be happy i needed to ‘fix’ and ‘cure’ what was bothering me. I needed to find a way to erase the past from my vocabulary in order to be truly ‘healed’! Forget the whole ordeal.
Well, it turns out that that was not what i needed to do at all, for that is a task that might never be accomplished. The amount of time and torment i endured is not something you can erase and forget. It’s not something that you get over ….
What I have learned personally is that in order to be happy and be able to move on with my life in such a way that the past does not affect my present and future is to simple learn the demons, not destroy them.
Trying to destroy the demons that haunt me is a never-ending battle, the harder i fight the harder they come back. Rinse and repeat …. because you see, they get their power from the energy i put into them, trying to destroy them.
A bit confusing? Think about what we say and how we treat bullies. They get fuel from our engagement, when we ignore and move on with life they lose their power over us. The concept is similar here, for me. I stopped trying to be rid of the past and my memories and the repercussion from it and i embraced it. I embraced the strengths that come with my experiences and i embraced my weaknesses too. I accepted myself for all the good and not so good that I possess inside my head and i began to learn to manage it instead of be rid of it. The Babadook is the boogieman, it’s the fears, worries, anxieties and stress. It’s my narcissistic family, the mental, emotional and even some physical abuse. It’s the triggers that hit you seemingly out of the blue in your current life. It’s the chains that bind you and prevent you from moving forward. It’s the weight you carry, day in and day out sometimes without even knowing it. It’s the new issues that arise as you try to navigate life, it’s never-ending. See, you can’t be rid of it. But you can learn to manage it …. There is a pretty cheesy B movie called the Babadook. It shows how our demons can run and ruin our lives, how they come back faster and harder the more we try to fight them.
The end of the movie was the thing that spoke to me. In the end the woman, the family, were no longer trying to be rid of the babadook. The only way to have peace in their home was to keep the babadook, it was in the basement. Everyday they watched over it, they found bugs and worms to feed it and then they went about their day in peace.
The moral, to me? They learned what they needed to do in order to manage that creature that tormented them and as long as they took those steps, everyday, the creature stayed in its place, in the basement and out of their way.
They accepted what they were dealt, they found ways to manage it and they moved on. Happily ….
I like who i am, i like my strength of mind, heart and character. I got to be this way because of my experiences. I like that i can see and empathize with people in those seemingly ‘invisible’ issues that others overlook. I like the wisdom i have learned from a very young age and i like the life i have been able to craft because of it. I embrace what i was dealt and i have used all of those experiences to make for a better today.
My past will not bring me down, it is a stepping stone to build me up.
That’s my outlook on life. I’m not destroying my demons, i’m making use of what they have taught me.
I’m nobody’s victim.